Here is a Boski Original, first used on this blog in Dec. 2005. I am bringing it back, since apparently I was also in a holiday malaise. After doing this I felt much better, but I am going to use the version I wrote to my roto hoops league (so that is why there is some bizarre NBA references), also punch it up a little so I can think I am cooler than I am.
Some of the content has been reformatted to fit Blogger Beta and some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Any unwritten use of this blog is prohibited by Major League Baseball . . . .
A Boxing Day Tale
Next to St. Harold’s Day to celebrate the the patron saint of Designated Hitters, and the Feast of McLean Stevenson, I love Boxing Day. Did you know that it has 86% more boxing than Arbor Day. Who knew, since Arbor Day brings out the pugilist in all of us, doesn’t it? It is the holiday where we celebrate The Baby Jeebus victory over Frosty the Snowman, in a unanimous decision (He won on all three wise men’s cards), at Caesars, to win the Heavyweight title.
Shortly afterwards he performed the Miracle of the Blessed Press Your Luck. When he took four spins with three Whammies and parlayed it into $10,000, a Apple IIe, and a trip to Acapulco.
If that was not enough he stepped in for Jimmy Chitwood and successfully ran the picket fence to win the Indiana High School Basketball Title.
The joy was short lived. Baby Jebus soon was forced to flee to Idaho. The flight to Idaho, or Oregon’s Spain for you Colbert viewers, was due to the evil Don King
with the help of Nevada Athletic Commission and a trumped up charge of cheating while playing Boggle.
Don was jealous of Baby Jebus and was P.O’s since he refused to defend his title against Mitch “Blood” Green, or Peter McNealy.
So he sought to hunt him down and force him into a life of vice with Fitness Made Simple guru Jon “I am Tre Wingo’s Frosted Tipped Brother” Blesdow.
Along the way Baby Jebus crossed the paths of Mr. T , Edna Garrett, World B. Free and Cooter. They started a punk/bluegrass/bass and drum super group. Think the Ramones, meets Foggy Mountian Boys and they are hanging out with Goldie’s sound people all tweeked out on crank.
This new supergroup then lead the football Cardinals out of St. Louis and into the desert. Shortly afterward they built a workshop/disco outside of Pahrump, Nevada. And with the help from the Transformers and Alan Thicke, they made invented New Coke,
timeshare condos, grout, Police Academy Movies and vacuums. Each December 26th the Baby Jebus would load up his mint Yugo and deliver these gifts/tax write-offs to all the good children, penguins and utility infielders. All to celebrate the his wonderful deeds and to find a good excuse to find a way to waste a day playing Frogger.
The gig was good but the Baby Jebus wanted to get into other mediums. He developed a couple of hit TV shows, L.A. Law, Murder She Wrote and the Fall Guy. He also hooked up with and toured with Sir-Mix-A-Lot in the late 80’s. In fact, co-produced Mix-A-Lots album “Seminar” and co-wrote the hit “Beepers”. Sadly he was never given credit. After that fallout he had a sting of serious setbacks. First was the failure of his solo joint Oaktown 3-5-Jeebus. Then he backed the sequel to Buckaroo Bonsai, which lead to a near fatal run-in with Tree Rollins. He fled to Hungary, where he set up dry cleaning empire under an alias of Dolph Lundgren. So this left the others to run the workshop alone. They managed for a short time, but after shortly after the cancellation of Battle of the Network Stars, the holiday fell out of vogue. Then Cooter was eaten by Boss Hogg.
World B. Free was fired since he never passed the damn ball, shortly afterwards he took to seven seas and has never been heard from again. Rumor has it that he actually married his way into the Belgian Royal Family where he now only three mishaps from being King.
After these multiple tragedies things look bleak. What was needed was someone who could bring back Baby Jeebus and get also get the orginal line-up of New Edition back together. But another Boxing Day Miracle occurred. When the Prophet Margin’s prophecy came to be. That a mohawked T.V. action star who fools would never receive pity from, would defy science and logic and give birth to three sons. One who would deliver excellent Boxing Days rating, especially in the 25 – 49 male demo. Soon on a cold December 26th morning Mr. T jibber jabbered three children into the world, at a dry cleaners in Munice Indiana!) Some say that the Shawn “the father of our country “Kemp was behind this, but we may never know. The three children were Yahoo Serious, Dwayne Schintzius and Emmanuel Lewis.
As you know everything with Yahoo was fine until he made the movie “Young Einstein”.
It was because of that he went completely Australian. Though “they”/the government/The Man, will tell you he was already Australian, it is all a huge Capricorn 1 sized cover-up. Just like the existence of the state of Wyoming. It does not really exisist, could any other place other than Hades could produce Dick Cheney. Think about. Look Fennis Dembo was a government fabrication.
Dwayne Schintzius took his height to Florida where his college career took off, but he studied the black arts of Bill Wennington. Then when he ventured to the NBA he was struck by a lethal case of BeniotBenjimanitis. Don’t believe me, just look at the numbers.
It was now all up to Emmanuel Lewis who even with his short stature, which was due to the fact he lost 3 feet of height due to bacarat losses he incurred. Proved his worth when he savagely bludgeoned Falco at the Third Farm Aid concert to gain access to Willie Nelson hair to retrieve Baby Jebus’ keys for his Yugo . Soon he was off to Budapest and he brought Baby Jeebus and that frosty Lime colored Yugo back to the public eye. Soon he was back to that old Boxing Day magic. For that he was rewarded with a three picture deal from Fox Searchlight. He also received funding to launch a new international space station that will resemble Arnold’s from Happy Day to study the effects of Popping and Locking on the ozone layer He is now rumored to be engaged to Bea Arthur after his advances where spurned by one of the Hilton’s, it maybe Paris or it could have been Barron Hilton, again we just don’t know.
My tale is finished and I hope you everything I have said is true, true insanity, or is it????
What you do not believe me, Didn’t New Edition get back together with all the original members not too long ago.
So I am off to prep the house and to celebrate. I will be putting out a plate of uncooked chicken, some Lanolin, toaster crumbs and cans of Schlitz out for the Baby Jebus to throw. Hopefully I will find cans of New Coke, a couple of Police Academy movies and a vacuum, under the old Cactus Tree. I have been good, well other than my writing.
I hope you enjoyed. If you would like a transcript of tonight’s program please send $86.75 to:
The Jo Berry Carroll Fund
Attn: Tony Curtis
1313 Mocking Bird Lane
Placentia, CA 92780
Thank you to Wikipedia, Yahoo and everyone else who made this possible.