A Letter to Time Warner Cable


I want to welcome you to Costa Mesa and congrats on your merger with Comcast and Adelphia.

Now I would like to ask if you can f’ing go f yourselves with the uncomfortable end of a working chainsaw, that is rusty I hope. You gaggle of mucus gargling, crotch goblins. Your new regime has come in and dumped it’s used Depends undergarments on me. I see that you using my cable fee to run ads saying I will not know the difference. Also telling me about all the wonderful services you are going to bring. Hey that’s great, good for you. Just there is one problem you have raised my rate and taken services away from me. One of the biggest reasons why I have stayed with digital cable is the On-Demand feature. Which has allowed me to save space on the Tivo, so I could watch things like the Wire, the Sopranos and so on. To which I must give you a nice hearty ,”liar, liar, pants on fire”. We have not received any notice about our digital cable package. We have not been notified if it was going to be either ended, or grandfathered. Your predecessor Commuinistcast grandfathered our digital package without any problems. As you for you greedy, bile soaked, mule humping, ass clams you have not done a damn thing other than cash my check. Oh you did that with no problem. When we have called, you told us that things were taking time to transfer over. Hmmm I thought we would not know anything was going on. That what the ads I see every 24 seconds tell me. Now this is going on 5 plus weeks and we still do not have seen any change. Can I watch HBO on Demand? That is big freaking NO!! F me, seriously can I at least get dinner from you bastards. Because I know you took money from the bureau, and you made a goddamn mess in the kitchen without saying goodbye. And I know you are not calling me the next day, because I know you do not respect me. I do not want to be forced into getting a dish, even though it would give me a chance to watch more football. Hmmmmmmm, I may need to think about that. Wait I could not torture the better half with that.

Speaking of football don’t even get me started on the NFL Network bullshit. I am close to going Taxi Driver over this. That is right, I am not the last angry man, but I have a friend who a friend of his. I do not care if the NFL is up to shenanigans. Just give me my NFL Network right now, and without having to pay even more for it! I have absolutely no faith in you or anything you have to say. I hear you say, “make the NFL play fair. Make them be apart of digital package, so those who don’t want it don’t get stuck paying for it.” Well to that I say go fuck yourselves. You make me pay for a lot of crap I have not even come close to watching, even by mistake. And let me tell you I love me my TV, so that it pretty freaking hard for me to do. But you put on shit that is unwatchable to me and I pay and I pay since I don’t have a choice. I just get bass taped by you and I have to smile. Why don’t you have a digital platform for all the DYI channels. Do I really need to fund Yasmine Bleeth and Jacqueline Smith’s livelihood? Because I do not watch Lifetime. Hell, where is my digital religion platform. What God is not good enough for HD/digital tier? Maybe if you would do something crazy like make the channels a le carte. Oh no, America couldn’t handle that, we can’t think for ourselves! Most the channels are skinholes and if they had to fend for themselves we could thin the heard and maybe just maybe get better programming. Give people the option of what they want. That would be fair. Oh wait when it comes to not letting you gouge me, you throw a hissy of nuclear proportions.

So in closing I want to express my sincerity in saying, I hope all of you who are keeping me from my On-Demand, and NFL Network all have your anus’ probed by aliens, and getting a beating of Randall “Tex” Cobb proportions, by Turbo and Ozone, from Breaking and Breaking Two (Electric Boogaloo), all the while you’re being forced to watch Glitter and Gili repeatedly. For all I want is nothing but shame and grief and puss oozing out of every orifice for you and yours from now and till forever you dirt eating, emu licking, tax dodging, veal wearing, descendents of hobos. May all of you get gentile herpes that are large enough to effect the tides.

God bless and have a wonderful day.


4 Responses to A Letter to Time Warner Cable

  1. silliyak says:

    Please work on getting in touch with your feelings, and then let us all know how you REALLY feel.

  2. Julie says:

    1.) Points for using “ass clam.” I thought I was the only one who said that.

    2.) Thank you for adding “crotch goblins” to my repetoire of nasty names. I snorted when I read that.

    3.) This is why I have DirecTV. I pay $55 a month, I get my TiVo, I get an amazing array of channels (including NFL Network, which I agree with you, is the best thing since sliced bread), and I don’t have to deal with blood-sucking cable companies. I feel your pain.

  3. Boski93 says:

    Silliyak – I tried working for a greeting card company and for some reason that did not work out.

    Julie – I am glad I can help add to the lexicon. Oh I am moving closer and closer to the dish.

  4. FinSpin says:

    Suck it up and get a dish! They are offering a free DVR right now.

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