Afterwards my man Eric laughed his ass off. This is a story only a couple of people know, in fact my family still does not know about it. I had not told my wife about this story until a couple months ago, which she laughed hysterically over. So I thought I would let you all in and bask in the shame of “Mr. Boski the Early Years”
Come and see the shame.
The other day I was reflecting on one of my favorite moments when I really stepped into it. Lets take a trip back to those heady days of 1985 when I was an incredibly dorky Junior High School student. You know Jr. High really sucked. I think that 95% of people in therapy can trace some or all of their issues from that time. But enough about that let us get to the story.
I was sitting in my English class on an average day, in an education facility located at the western end of metropolis of Placentia. Near the great Tri-City Lake region, which I would like to note almost hosted the Goodwill games of 1988. If only Ted had just read the damn letter. The class was discussing poetry. The teacher was talking about the different styles and forms of poetry. She threw out a couple of ideas and thoughts to class and the students were some ideas back. So at this time, there was still a level of talking going on in the class. Then the teacher then posed a question to us. She asked what you would see inside a dog. Now she was asking on metaphorical level, stupid me unfortunately I thought to be a real comedian and I said the first thing that came into my head. So I said, “dogshit”. Now I was not yelling this, I just wanted to mutter it under my breath just to humor myself. Thinking that I could slip that one in without anyone hearing it, since people were talking. I was not trying to make a show, or be cool. Since I could not do either with out looking like a total loser. Sadly I was wrong, so very wrong. Because when I did, the class happened to be at complete silence. My luck, the one time a group of Jr. High school students were all quiet at once. It was quiet enough that all of my classmates could hear this dumbass put his foot in his mouth. It was one of those moments where you could hear the record player scratch to a stop.
I looked up from my notes and saw the teacher’s expression change from amused, to stunned, and to horrified. I was waiting for the kind of Christmas Story moment where she says,
“What did you say?”
“That’s what I thought you said, get up to the office now”
To make things worse, I could also feel every eye in the class looking at me with a mix of shock, horror (even more than usual) and amazement that this jackass said something they actually listened to. I was beyond deer in the headlights.
How I am going to explain this to my parents and siblings. I actually thought about just standing up and saying “Should I just walk up to the office right now?” My head began to swim. I was drowning in questions about what going to happen next?
Will I have to fill out a White Card, or even worse a Blue Card?
How will this affect my permanent record?
If so will my life be ruined, where I would be able only to work at meaningless temp jobs with no future. (Hey, I have had a string of meaningless temp jobs. Oh dogshit! This did go on my permanent record. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)
Will the Vice Principle hit me with an aluminum or wood bat?
Will I be able to enroll for AARP, while in detention?
Could I plead insanity? I could say, that since I still thought that Al Haig was still in charge that this was okay?
Did I really have to work blue? Because now, I will never be able to work the big rooms for doing blue material.
Does this school still have a firing squad?
Will heaven or hell have video games? (Which I did hazard a guess. Heaven – ColecoVision, Hell – Atari 2600, and I always end up with the broken paddle.)
Will someone tell me what Willis was talking about before I die?
Would I really be missed?
Does this mean I fail this class at this very moment, or will that be come shortly?
But then something very strange happened. The teacher looked at me and said the following and I swear to you this is the truth,
“Well, Matt that was not as bad as what one student said they saw inside of a gay man”
WHAT?????? Did she just say that?
She then calmly proceeded to continue on with class as if nothing happened.
Wait a second did I just dodge a bullet?
For the rest of that class I sat in stunned silence. I felt like Cougar out of Top Gun. I had lost the “edge”.